There’s no question that you need to make sure that your baby knows you are the boss. There’s no better way to do that than to set extremely arbitrary rules for them to follow. The more incongruous and self-serving, the better! Your baby will definitely know you are in charge when they are forced to follow rules that they don’t understand!
For example, your baby might not want to wear those cute socks that you bought at Gap Kids. Nonsense! If she pulls those socks off, they’re going right back on. Over and over and over again. You’re the boss, after all, and baby is just going to have to deal. Another example is when baby gets fussy, because she hasn’t had her nap. You set the schedule, not baby! The best thing to do in that instance is to tell her to calm down and stop being fussy. Nearly nine out of ten times, that works perfectly fine. That other time, she probably just needs a diaper change. Remember, you are the boss! I could go on and on with examples of excellent and arbitrary rules you can set for your baby, but I think you get the gist. Feel free to comment below with your own ideas for silly rules you can make to show your baby whose really in charge.
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Chicks dig babies. That's a true fact. Any time there is a baby around, I make sure to get a picture of myself holding the baby and post it to Instagram. It's a license to print likes. And look, I'm not suggesting that you use your own baby to pick up women. That wouldn't be nice for your partner. You should get divorced before you do that.
But if you don't want to get divorced, you can still let your single friends use your baby to pick up women. Honestly, it's the least you can do. The best part of this arrangement is that you get free babysitting, and your baby gets a free lesson in how humans engage in courtship rituals. It's a win-win. Watching your baby can be a real drag. Half the time he doesn't do anything. The other half he's doing only stuff he wants to do. Babies just don't seem to get that we want and deserve their attention. Without us, they would be screwed! Once again, technology has come to the rescue! Why watch the baby when there's an app for that? Here are a few awesome new products that really make taking care of your baby a snap. The Smart OnesieA wise man once said, "If you can't measure it, you can't manage it." Not only is this smart onesie by a company called Mimo stylish AF, it measures all sorts of stuff. From nearly anywhere on Earth, whether you are traveling for work or you slipped out for a couple of beers at your local, you can be up to speed on baby's breathing, temperature and movements. With all of these vital measurements, you can manage the shit out of your baby! The Smart DiaperYou read that right. Diapers are smart now. Don't you feel dumb for sniffing your baby's poopy butt? Smart Baby Roll Over DetectorNo one knows how the human race managed to survive extinction after thousands of years of tummy sleeping. Your parents didn't worry about baby flipping over, but you rookie parents are going to lose a lot of sleep over this new problem. Never fear, because all you need is to attach this button to your baby and set the included app to jolt you awake whenever baby moves during the night. Sleep tight, because technology has your back. ConclusionWe are close to a time where technology will make raising a child simple. Though I guess I would be remiss if I didn't mention that all of these things can be hacked. Don't believe me? Head here and have a listen. :)
You're a mom now. Congrats! Or maybe you're a dad. That's cool too! The great news is that you are officially off the hook for Mother's Day. Remember when you used to have to think long and hard about what to get mom? Or maybe you had to sit in traffic for hours to visit mom on Mother's Day? Those days are over, because you got mom the thing she's wanted since you turned 22... a grandchild. Those hours sitting in traffic are over!
What's more? Now you get to be the one getting gifts. And you know what? You deserve it! Sorry, mom. I'm a mom now. Mom is just going to have to get used to being mom #2. Her days ruling as top mom are over, and it's all because you figured out how to make a baby. Once again, congrats! We've all been there (and by me, I mostly mean you). Little miss fussy pants (diaper) doesn't want to stop crying. You just want to have a pint glass of pinot grigio after a hard day of work, and she's gotta start growing teeth or wants some milk or needs a diaper change. Or maybe she doesn't want to go to sleep, because her fun uncle is in town and wants to play right up until bedtime. What do you do?
Your first instinct might be to take the time to comfort her and do whatever else it takes to calm her before bed. However, this is a tactical error. Babies are a lot like dogs. They learn from experience. If you give your dog a treat every time it craps on the rug, the dog learns that crapping on the rug is good. Babies work the same way. By comforting a crying baby, you are essentially encouraging her to keep crying. In other words, you are teaching her to crap on the rug. So, take it from me, the best practice is to let that baby cry. Once she learns that she won't get any more comforting when she cries, she will stop crapping on your rug. Some people might say that you shouldn't have a baby in a bar. I say that you should get them used to being around alcohol to demystify it. This baby will never be an alcoholic, I guarantee it.
Babies demand a lot of attention, which can be frustrating. The key is to have a good strategy for distracting the baby long enough to run down to 7-11 to grab another six pack of beer. That's where Steve Jobs has your back, because technology is going to hook you up!
All you need to do is throw Baby Shark on YouTube and hand your baby the iPad. Once that little one hears the super-catchy song and sees those crazy sharks, you've got at least 15 minutes of peace and quiet. I'm not sure how you let yourself run out of beer, but now's the time to get your ass to the store and stock up! Sometimes your infant is fussy. It's okay, you aren't a bad parent. Every child is bound to have a fussy moment or two. What to do?!? They answer is simple, because there are only 3 options... she's hungry, she's sleepy or she pooed.
1. She's hungry. It's a good idea to see if the child needs a bottle. Often this will make them stop fussing, and it also leads to the second one... 2. She's sleepy. Sometimes babies get sleepy. Especially if they have just eaten. This is actually the best case scenario, because once the baby is asleep, you can watch tv or go on the internet. 3. She pooed. This is a real problem. I recommend that you pretend it didn't happen until one of the parents comes back. That way you can hand the baby back and not have to deal with poo. So, there you have it, my foolproof method of dealing with a fussy baby. If you have any other ideas, feel free to leave them in the comments below. |
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AuthorAlthough I am not a recognized authority on child care, I expect to be recognized soon. Keep an eye on this space for news on that front. Meanwhile, feel free to soak up all of my sage advice on raising children. Archives
December 2018
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