Have you ever noticed how some parents seem to make it look so easy? Mom has a three-month old at home, yet her nails are always done and she has clearly not missed a single yoga session or brunch with the girls. Dad's golf handicap is still under 10, and he has no discernible bags under his eyes. Meanwhile, your socks haven't matched in 3 weeks, and you no longer need an alarm clock, because that would assume you ever sleep. You might wonder to yourself, "are those parents just way better than me?"
The answer is yes. Take a look in the mirror. Statistically speaking, you have a 50% chance of being in the bottom half of all parents. That means, in all likelihood, there are literally millions of parents who are better at this than you. It's a sobering fact, but it's true. Don't even try to argue with me, because chances are, you aren't a statistician. The good news is that it's not all bad. The authorities have set the bar very low as to what you have to do before they will take away your baby. I mean, there are some truly awful parents out there who don't even come close to losing their kids. That should be reassuring. Furthermore, it's not really even your fault. Your parents made you the way you are. If your model for a parent was a total shit-show, then it stands to reason that you're destined to also be a shit-show as a parent. So when you look at your neighbors and see how well they are coping with parenthood, it doesn't matter that they have 3 nannies and a live in mother-in-law helping out. It is far more likely that they are simply way better people than you are. But you can breathe easy, because the state doesn't want to take your baby away unless it absolutely must. Taking care of her is not in the state's budget. And one day, she will turn 18, at which point she is not your problem any more.
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Christmas is a big day for just about any child. Unless they are Jewish, in which case Christmas is a day that everything is closed, except for Chinese restaurants and movie theaters. For all you non-jews, obviously one of the trickiest things about Christmas is toy shopping. That's why I am here to help out. I present to you my Christmas gift buying guide. All of these fantastic options are straight from the Illinois Attorney General's 2018 safe shopping guide. I didn't read it carefully, but I am sure that it is full of safe options for your child. Look at how cute these tents are! Your little cutie is going to love playing peek-a-boo from inside one of these adorable tents. You can read more reviews here. A xylophone shaped like an elephant! I might actually die from a cuteness attack. Baby is going to be mesmerized by the silky tunes she is making on her first instrument. More reviews are right here. Look how adorable this pacifier holder is! What a great way to keep the binky off the ground. More reviews right here.
There you go! Christmas shopping made easy. Happy shopping and Merry Christmas! Toddlers are the Al Qaeda of humans. It's a bold statement, but we all recognize that it's true. Who, other than toddlers and Al Qaeda, are willing to do literally anything to advance their agenda? The good news, however, is that you can use this insight to your advantage.
For example, let's think about the last time you were at a restaurant with your toddler. She's behaving well for about 5 minutes when she decides she just doesn't want to be there any more and throws a hissy fit. She's crying and yelling and throwing shit everywhere. It's a whole scene. A rookie parent would drop everything and do anything to make her quiet. Giving her sweets or taking her on a walk around the block might work temporarily, but now you've just given in to her terrorism. As we can see from the conflict in the Middle East, this is a huge mistake. Shame on you! There's a better way, but you have to be courageous. (Look, you didn't come here for easy advice. You came here for good advice.) Firstly, you can't give in to the threat. If she is going to throw a fit and be loud or cry in the restaurant or on the airplane, just let it happen. By not giving in, you are nullifying her best weapon. And trust me, everyone around you has no problem with you doing this, because they get it. Those looks are not angry, "shut that fucking kid up," looks. They are looks of solidarity. Don't mistake genuinely felt empathy for hostility. Once you've let this obnoxious behavior go on for 10 to 15 minutes, your toddler is going to get the hint. She will simply realize that her tactics aren't working, and she will adjust her behavior. I guarantee it. As long as you don't give in and negotiate with the terrorist, she will end up being the best behaved toddler on the block. It's really that simple. And everyone in the coffee shop will respect your skill as a parent. And yes, I have also figured out peace in the Middle East, but that's for a different blog. |
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AuthorAlthough I am not a recognized authority on child care, I expect to be recognized soon. Keep an eye on this space for news on that front. Meanwhile, feel free to soak up all of my sage advice on raising children. Archives
December 2018
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