Have you ever noticed how some parents seem to make it look so easy? Mom has a three-month old at home, yet her nails are always done and she has clearly not missed a single yoga session or brunch with the girls. Dad's golf handicap is still under 10, and he has no discernible bags under his eyes. Meanwhile, your socks haven't matched in 3 weeks, and you no longer need an alarm clock, because that would assume you ever sleep. You might wonder to yourself, "are those parents just way better than me?"
The answer is yes. Take a look in the mirror. Statistically speaking, you have a 50% chance of being in the bottom half of all parents. That means, in all likelihood, there are literally millions of parents who are better at this than you. It's a sobering fact, but it's true. Don't even try to argue with me, because chances are, you aren't a statistician. The good news is that it's not all bad. The authorities have set the bar very low as to what you have to do before they will take away your baby. I mean, there are some truly awful parents out there who don't even come close to losing their kids. That should be reassuring. Furthermore, it's not really even your fault. Your parents made you the way you are. If your model for a parent was a total shit-show, then it stands to reason that you're destined to also be a shit-show as a parent. So when you look at your neighbors and see how well they are coping with parenthood, it doesn't matter that they have 3 nannies and a live in mother-in-law helping out. It is far more likely that they are simply way better people than you are. But you can breathe easy, because the state doesn't want to take your baby away unless it absolutely must. Taking care of her is not in the state's budget. And one day, she will turn 18, at which point she is not your problem any more.
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Christmas is a big day for just about any child. Unless they are Jewish, in which case Christmas is a day that everything is closed, except for Chinese restaurants and movie theaters. For all you non-jews, obviously one of the trickiest things about Christmas is toy shopping. That's why I am here to help out. I present to you my Christmas gift buying guide. All of these fantastic options are straight from the Illinois Attorney General's 2018 safe shopping guide. I didn't read it carefully, but I am sure that it is full of safe options for your child. Look at how cute these tents are! Your little cutie is going to love playing peek-a-boo from inside one of these adorable tents. You can read more reviews here. A xylophone shaped like an elephant! I might actually die from a cuteness attack. Baby is going to be mesmerized by the silky tunes she is making on her first instrument. More reviews are right here. Look how adorable this pacifier holder is! What a great way to keep the binky off the ground. More reviews right here.
There you go! Christmas shopping made easy. Happy shopping and Merry Christmas! Toddlers are the Al Qaeda of humans. It's a bold statement, but we all recognize that it's true. Who, other than toddlers and Al Qaeda, are willing to do literally anything to advance their agenda? The good news, however, is that you can use this insight to your advantage.
For example, let's think about the last time you were at a restaurant with your toddler. She's behaving well for about 5 minutes when she decides she just doesn't want to be there any more and throws a hissy fit. She's crying and yelling and throwing shit everywhere. It's a whole scene. A rookie parent would drop everything and do anything to make her quiet. Giving her sweets or taking her on a walk around the block might work temporarily, but now you've just given in to her terrorism. As we can see from the conflict in the Middle East, this is a huge mistake. Shame on you! There's a better way, but you have to be courageous. (Look, you didn't come here for easy advice. You came here for good advice.) Firstly, you can't give in to the threat. If she is going to throw a fit and be loud or cry in the restaurant or on the airplane, just let it happen. By not giving in, you are nullifying her best weapon. And trust me, everyone around you has no problem with you doing this, because they get it. Those looks are not angry, "shut that fucking kid up," looks. They are looks of solidarity. Don't mistake genuinely felt empathy for hostility. Once you've let this obnoxious behavior go on for 10 to 15 minutes, your toddler is going to get the hint. She will simply realize that her tactics aren't working, and she will adjust her behavior. I guarantee it. As long as you don't give in and negotiate with the terrorist, she will end up being the best behaved toddler on the block. It's really that simple. And everyone in the coffee shop will respect your skill as a parent. And yes, I have also figured out peace in the Middle East, but that's for a different blog. People like me (not me, but people like me) who don't have kids make a big deal about changing diapers. They (not me) talk like it's super gross. It's as if they (not me) don't go pee and poo themselves. It's as if they (not me) don't wipe their own butts. I do wipe my own butt all the time. In a sense, we all change our own diapers several times a day. It's no big deal.
The process is relatively straight-forward. There's a table of some sort that you put the baby on. I have seen some changing tables that have a little seat belt, which is good, for safety's sake. From what I understand, the baby mostly cooperates, because she wants the dirty diaper to come off. So, you take the baby's pants off and remove the dirty diaper, which goes in the dirty diaper bin. Next you gently wipe the baby's bits. There shouldn't be much there, because how much poo can a baby actually make? From there, you are home free. Slap the fresh diaper on and button the pants up. Baby is good to go! Now, I've never had to change a diaper myself. It's not because I think it's gross, and I'm afraid I would somehow hurt the baby. It's not because I am concerned that I might barf if I had to do it. It's not because I'm afraid that I would get peed on. I just haven't had the opportunity. And let's be honest, when there's a parent around to do it, it's way better to have the parent change the baby. I have only been alone with a baby for one hour, and I did really well. But I didn't have to change a diaper. Do you have a fun experience with changing a diaper? Comment below! Your family is growing! That's terrific! But that means you are starting to outgrow that little apartment that seemed so nice and cozy when it was just you and your partner. Basically, it is now the baby's apartment, and she let's you share it with her. It's time for a real house with a real yard so baby can really stretch her legs! As moving day draws near, you really start to stress out. How are you going to organize a move and make sure that baby gets all her meals and naps. She's on a strict schedule! Any deviation is going to mean a week of fussing. And when baby is fussy, there's no way you are going to be able to get unpacked at the new house. I have two words for you: calm down. (Trust me, this is the perfect thing to say to someone to get them to relax. Every woman I have ever dated has reacted really well when I tell them to calm down.) What you probably forgot is that your baby is still really small. Like, so small that she fits in a box... maybe even a moving box. That's right! While your movers are packing, grab an extra box for baby. Toss in some food and her favorite stuffed animal, and you are freed up for the rest of your move. This is so normal that, when you do a Google image search for "baby in a moving box," you get pages upon pages of pictures!
So really, calm down. (Saying it twice works doubly well to relax the person. Also, feel free to tell them that they are over reacting.) Your move is going to be a breeze once you box up the baby! Many new parents are constantly terrified that their baby is going to get hurt. If this describes you as a parent, I have good news! Babies are super resilient.
Super-Charged Immune System Let's start with their immune systems. I don't know about it, but if my hand touches any surface on a subway car, I will not touch my face with that hand until after I have washed it with soap. This is because I assume most subway cars are dusted with a light coating of feces. Meanwhile, your baby is crawling everywhere on her hands and the jamming said hands in her mouth constantly. And guess what... she's totally unfazed. Bendy Bones It's well known that babies bones are not fully hardened until sometime later on. This might be something that worries you. However, I can assure you that this is a feature rather than a bug. Like a carbon fiber hockey stick, the more bendy a bone is, the harder it is to break. It's the same reason that grandma and grandpa are constantly breaking their hip. Their bones are too stiff! Space Age Safety Devices When I was a baby, I am pretty sure car seats were considered inferior to mom's lap. For all we know, it's true. The science is still catching up. But assuming that the big baby companies haven't just made up all of these new-fangled safety devices to stick their hands in your pockets, your baby is a lot safer than I was as a baby. So, look there's no need to hover around the baby, making sure she never gets hurt. As you can clearly see, she's gonna be just fine. Before baby arrived on the scene, your puppy was number one in your life. And then baby showed up and puppy become a second class citizen at home. Poor puppy. He just wants you to throw the tennis ball. You know... like the good old pre-baby days. Why don't you love puppy anymore? I have good news for puppy, because baby is about to become your new best friend. First of all, 68% of baby's food will end up on the floor, and that's puppy's world. Puppy just got 68% less hungry! On top of that, even though it's going to take a good year, once baby is on her feet, puppy will have a new best friend with boundless energy to chase around the house! But let's be honest, the best part about having a new tiny human in the house is that baby doesn't follow the rules. We don't feed puppy table food? Baby does. We don't bark in the house? Baby doesn't care if you bark. The grown-ups are tired of playing in the back yard? Baby never gets tired! So be patient, puppy. It may feel like baby showed up and stole your thunder as the cutest resident of the house. But if you are patient, the two of you are going to forge an unstoppable partnership... like Batman and Robin. How embarrassing is it to be in a public place, and you just can’t get your baby to calm down and behave? She’s either crying or yelling or fussing. I’m sure this wouldn’t happen to me if I had a kid, but I see it all the time. Some parents just can’t seem to keep their baby under control. And once baby loses her shit, it’s all over. It’s nothing but fuss the whole flight to Orlando. There’s an easy solution to this. Benedryl! You know how you feel all spacey and out of it when you take Benedryl? Sometimes you even fall asleep! I like to bring a couple of Benedryl pills on a flight when I want to sleep. Well guess what… it has the same effect on your baby! And on to of that, your baby is way smaller than you, so it works even better. A spaced out baby doesn’t cry or fuss. She just more or less stares off into the distance. Problem solved! It’s pretty much the perfect solution to the problem of a fussy baby who doesn't want to cooperate. So, next time you are headed to the airport or to the DMV or to any other place where baby isn’t going to want to be there, hit her with a does of Benedryl. Now she’ll just be the cute, sleepy baby! And baby gets a nice nap. It’s a win-win-win. This blog is not affiliated with Benedryl or whatever company makes it, and they would probably rather I not give this off-label advice. I should also mention that I am not a doctor, nor do I have any medical training. I’m just a know-it-all. I take no responsibility for any consequences from you taking this advice. Some parents will try and tell you that having a baby will turn your schedule upside down. I just don’t see why that should be the case. Babies are basically fully portable. You can bring your baby practically anywhere! You can bring your baby shopping. You can bring your baby to restaurants. You can bring your baby on the plane (there were tons of babies at ORD this morning). You can bring your baby to the bar. Seriously, where can’t you bring a baby? So, next time you are feeling like you have to skip something fun, just think to yourself “We can go see that movie, because I can bring the baby!”
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AuthorAlthough I am not a recognized authority on child care, I expect to be recognized soon. Keep an eye on this space for news on that front. Meanwhile, feel free to soak up all of my sage advice on raising children. Archives
December 2018
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